How to Overcome Fear of Talking to People

What have you found most challenging about communication and what useful tips have you learned that you found most helpful?

Many of us here at Bubblic have listed communication skill as one of the main reasons for struggling with loneliness. Personally, I think what I find most challenging is not letting my worry about what the other person is thinking about me distract me from the actual conversation.

The Spotlight Effect

I think what has helped me most is just understanding that this is happening because of the spotlight effect. As humans, we tend to overestimate how much others are actually noticing our behavior and appearance. People pay far less attention to what we are doing than we might think, and are also probably preoccupied worrying about what others are thinking of them, instead of that little thing I was worried about.

Why We Care About Others’ Opinions

Why do we care so much about what other people think of us? I was recommended by our Bubblic user a Youtube video by Julien Blanc who hosts group sessions around the world to help people overcome social anxiety. He explains that the reason why we try to put on a mask when interacting with others is rooted in our survival instinct.

We, as social animals, all belong to a community, and being ostracized by your group can mean that you will not survive. He puts this very nicely: "When being you threatens your survival, that's what leads to creating a split within, and that's where the performing starts."

The Cost of Performing: Anxiety and Loneliness

This feeling of the need to perform is where people get a lot of social anxiety and loneliness from. They feel they cannot be who they are without becoming an outcast. However, this cannot be further from the truth. Julien explains that this fear is often irrational and irrelevant in today's society.

The fear might be irrational because it might have formed when you were a child in a kindergarten, where your entire world consisted of your small group of friends and your town, and not being liked by them meant to your child brain that everyone would hate you and disown you. The fear might be irrelevant because today, you can travel around the world and meet people from all corners in real life and online.

Finding Freedom in Authenticity

It is much easier to find people who share your interests and understand who you are. In such a society, you will never be able to find this type of people if you are always performing and putting on a mask. Julien says, "Nobody wants you to be cool. They want you to be real."

Because, let's face it, it is obvious when you see someone trying to be something they are not, even though they think they are doing a good job of pretending.

Conclusion: Embrace Your Real Self

Communication challenges often stem from our fear of judgment, but as we’ve seen, this fear is usually unfounded. By understanding the spotlight effect and recognizing the irrational roots of social anxiety, we can let go of the need to perform. Authenticity not only frees us but also allows us to connect with people who genuinely value us for who we are. Life is too short to live as someone else—embrace your real self and build connections that matter.